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“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
“Our riches, being in our brains, die with us... Unless of course someone chops off our head, in which case, we won't need them anyway.”
“Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.”
“I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people.”
“People who enjoy meetings should not be in charge of anything.”
“Common sense is not so common.”
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
“Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.”
“The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.”
“Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.”
“A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.”
“A woman's guess is much more accurate than a man's certainty.”
“Celebrate your successes. Find some humor in your failures.”
“I can resist everything except temptation.”
“If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.”
“I will laugh at the world.”
“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”
“Life is worth living as long as there's a laugh in it.”
“Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it.”
“One of the best things about drink is that it makes you feel better when you are not drinking.”
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