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“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”
“I know only two tunes: one of them is 'Yankee Doodle' and the other isn't.”
“Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.”
“The reason people blame things on previous generations is that there's only one other choice.”
“If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.”
“When you choose your friends, don't be short-changed by choosing personality over character.”
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
“Our riches, being in our brains, die with us... Unless of course someone chops off our head, in which case, we won't need them anyway.”
“Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.”
“I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people.”
“People who enjoy meetings should not be in charge of anything.”
“Common sense is not so common.”
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
“Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.”
“The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.”
“Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.”
“A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.”
“A woman's guess is much more accurate than a man's certainty.”
“Celebrate your successes. Find some humor in your failures.”
“I can resist everything except temptation.”
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